All The Men I Ever Danced With
by Countess Of Grantham
Summary: One-shot set in series 2, the day that Sybil receives the telegram about Tom Belasis' death and says—"Sometimes I feel like all the men I ever danced with are dead." Sybil lets out her frustration about the war and her position in it, and she and Mary comfort each other in turn about their own different fears and doubts.


p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"Set in series two, the day that Sybil receives the telegram concerning Tom Belasis' death./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"em style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);""[I] wondered if he was looking up at that same moon, far away, and thinking of me as I was thinking of him."/em/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"em style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"― Vera Brittain, Chronicle of Youth: The War Diary, 1913-1917/em/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"Sybil climbed the stairs and opened the door of her bedroom . It looked cheerful with the warm fire burning in the grate, diffusing a golden glow throughout the room . The bed was made neatly, her jar of uneaten cookies shone untouched on the bedside table, polished to perfection like her dressing table and the ornaments upon it, the dark wood dimly reflecting the glow of the flames that flickered in the glass of her mirror . She sighed a little , the comfort around her made her feel guilty ; she could imagine the horrors the soldiers were facing out in France as she stood there in her room , the fire of the guns , the explosions, the blood, the mud, the violence, the cruelty—the savage, savage cruelty ! It made her shiver and she closed her eyes for a moment trying to rid the scene from her thoughts . She walked over to her dressing table and took off her earrings, placing them delicately down in front of the glass . Anna was with Mary and she didn't want to wait, she would undress now and ring for Anna in a while to tell her she wasn't needed for tonight ./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"She slipped out of her blue woollen cardigan and laid it on the back of a chair; a small piece of paper fell out of the pocket as she did so. Sybil picked it up and unfolded it, though she remembered what it was before looking at its contents; It was the telegram she had received earlier that day—the telegram bringing the news that Tom Belasis was dead. Any cheerful spirits she had left vanished in an instant and she felt the sadness of the news sink down inside her. She read the telegram again; she didn't know why she did it, it only saddened her more, but she couldn't help it. Perhaps she was punishing herself for the luxury around her—she didn't know, she didn't care. She read it again and moved her lips with the words "Tom Belasis killed in action,". She kicked off her shoes and threw herself onto the bed with a frustrated cry. She felt angry—at herself, at her way of life, at her family—she knew she was being unjust and that they were suffering as much as she was, more even —but why couldn't they see that this way of life, this life of expense and pleasure and comfort, why couldn't they see that it was so wrong, so wrong to do nothing when thousands of men were dying everyday?/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"She sat up on her knees and tried to wipe the tears from her eyes; they wet her palms and dampened her cheeks. She gave up the futile effort and the drops ran down onto the telegram, smudging the ink a little ./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"" Sybil?" Asked Mary entering the room , " What's the matter ?"/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"Sybil said nothing but held out the telegram to Mary without altering her gaze, Mary took it and read it . " Oh , I'm sorry ," breathed Mary in a low concerned voice,"Did you know him well ? "/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);""Not really ," said Sybil shakily," but he was kind to me—he—he made me laugh...it's just...it made me realise the scale of it all, what's really happening out there, " she said looking back at Mary ./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"" Oh darling , " Mary said taking a seat on the side of the bed . Sybil slid her legs over the edge and sat next to her . She leaned forwards and embraced her sister, each of them resting their heads on one another's shoulders ; Mary wrapped her arms around Sybil and stroked her back comfortingly with her hand . " I'm sorry," Sybil apologised for her tears ./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"" Don't be," replied Mary her lips pursed, holding back her own emotion and her eyebrows furrowed," I understand," —she was thinking of Mathew ./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"" Do you think about him often? " asked Sybil reading her thoughts ./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);""Who?" Mary pretended she didn't know what Sybil meant ; after all Mathew had a fiancé, and she was the one who had refused him in the beginning ; what claim could she have on his affections now, what right to care for him ?/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"" Mathew," replied Sybil./span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"" Everyday," said Mary giving way to her feelings; it was a strange relief to hear them spoken out loud. The two were silent for a moment, contemplating their own thoughts and fears . " Oh Sybil, " Mary breathed suddenly ," I'm so afraid —of what might be to come. I tell myself over and over again that it won't but I can't be sure . I don't think I can be sure of anything these days—War makes everything so horribly uncertain."/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);""He will make it back ," Sybil reassured Mary," And you can be sure that I love you, whatever else, you can be sure of that."/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"" I love you too," Mary whispered into her shoulder, " I love you too."/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"Thanks for reading!/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"Reviews are always appreciated!/span/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px;"span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"( I've recently set up a Downton Abbey Roleplay on forums and there are still loads of characters free! I really don't mind how slow or fast people are at posting so there's no pressure to be doing it all the time! Have a look if you're interested in joining—there's a link on my profile or you can find it on Downton Abbey forums.)/span/p 


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